The Black Market Beagle Caper
by Riverispsycho98
Summary: An illegal beagle caper and a visit from an old friend. Somebody is gonna die.Please review because I need to decide if I'm going to follow this up.
1. Chapter 1

The Black Market Beagle Caper

Chapter 1: Rough Landing

Captain Malcolm Reynolds was starring intently at his gun. It was a nice gun, tempered steel barrel, silver grip, and seven round clips. Suddenly, an announcement over the inter come jarred him from his thoughts.

"Captain Tight pants to the bridge, Captain Tight pants to the bridge." giggled Wash over the intercom.

"Why the hell does he keep calling me that?" muttered Mal as he vaulted up the ladder, out of his quarters and towards the bridge.

"So what's the problem Wash?" asked Mal, as he entered the bridge.

Wash looked up from the plastic dinosaur strewn control panel, and replied in a sarcastic tone, "Oh it's just a small matter of the LEFT THRUSTER JUST FAILED!!! This of course means we won't be able to burn properly when we hit atmo and Persephone's atmospheric winds will ripe us apart."

"GORAM IT!!" Mal growled. "Is there anything we can do?"

"We could cut power to all engines and hope that we roll through to an altitude where we can restart our engines properly." Replied Wash

Mal grabbed the intercom. "Kailey cut the power."

"Why?"

"Just do it!!"

After their bumpy landing, Mal called every one the kitchen for mission prep.

"Ok, we're meeting with Badger in an hour, so…"

"What! Badger, doesn't anyone else remember him taking us hostage last time?" interrupted Wash.

"I do. The bloody bastard just walked in here, and pointed guns at us." commented Jayne.

"Even so, he says he's got a job for us, and since we have no other money coming in, we're going to take it." stated Mal.

"Sir, I don't believe that would be a good idea." remarked Zoey.

" I don't care, this is my ship and I'm the Captain, so we'll do what I say." sputtered Mal.

"Ok, so what's the plan?" asked Simon.

"You doctor will stay here and prep the sick bay just in case, Kailey you fix the engines, Zoey Jayne and I will go out and collect the cargo from Badger.'' ordered Mal.

"What Is the cargo anyway, Captain?" asked Book.

River tilted her head to the side and said in her singsong voice. "It's Beagles isn't it?"


	2. Chapter 2

The Black Market Beagle Caper

Chapter 2: The Deal

"Beagles Mal, Beagles?" Growled Jayne as they rumbled through the streets of Persephone.

"Yes Jayne mutant, black market beagles that are in high demand in the outer planets right now."

"How are they mutant, sir?" asked Zoey.

"They don't have left eyes, they wear eye patches."

"How the hell would want a Goram beagle with no eye!" yelped Jayne. At that, several people turned to look at them. Mal swiped aside his jacket to reveal his gun, and all the heads quickly speed away.

"Don't yell about business in the middle of the street, you'll get us arrested!"

"Seriously, who wants a mutant beagle?"

"I have that same question." backed Zoey.

"Little girls, mostly." Said Mal quietly.

"We're ripping off kids; even I don't do that, most of the time." Stated Jayne.

"Whatever, we're going to do this, and I don't want to hear another word about it, understood?" Retorted Mal.

"Yes sir." Said Zoey.

Mean While, Back On Serenity

Kailey had fixed the left thruster. She was quite proud of her work; she didn't even need to get a new part. She headed back into the ship and back into the kitchen, where she cut her self a piece of hardened protein. "Yuck this is worse then it was this morning." She thought to her self. "Maybe I'll go see Simon."

As she was heading down to the sick bay River walked past her and said, "You're going to see Simon aren't you?"

"How did you know?"

River just smiled and walked on. "How did she know?'' Kailey thought to her self. By then she reached the sick bay, and forgot all about it. "Hi Simon what'ca doing." Kailey said.

Simon, who had been preparing some needles under a ledge, was surprised and smashed his head against the ledge. "Goram it, ow!" He yelped.

"Oh my god, are you ok?" shrieked Kailey.

Then Book rushed in and said, "What happened here?" This entire encounter had not gone according to plan.

" Ello go'vner, what can I do' for you today'?" asked Badger, as Mal, Jayne and Zoey walked into his grimy, grey headquarters.

"You Know what we want Badger, just tell us the conditions of the deal then we'll be on our way.'' Said Mal calmly.

"Well, since it went so well last time, I say we split the profit 50-50."

"You're I a good mood today."

"I reckon I am, getting married Saturday." Badger replied.

"Probably to one of his guards!" Jayne sniggered quietly to Zoey.

"No my mind lacking friend, to a beautiful woman named Saffron."

"Say isn't that the girl who the cap…." Said Jayne before Mal interrupted him.

"So where can we pick up the cargo?"

"Same place you picked up the cargo last time, see you there later."


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3: Unexpected Company

"I can't believe that they actual have eye patches!" exclaimed Wash, as Jayne and Zoe herded the pack of beagles into the hold.

"Are those beagles!" cried Inara, as she exited her shuttle and entered the hold. "Why are they wearing eye patches?"

"That's a long story meant for another time." Said Mal, as he walked up to Inara and Wash. "Saffron is in the area, so I'd prefer that we will be off before she discovers that were in the area."

"Saffron! How'd she escape from that dumpster?" Inara asked puzzled.

"I don't know, I don't care, but I do know that she is engaged to Badger."

"Ha! Sucker!" Wash chuckled.

"WASH! Stop you're girlish giggling, and get this boat off the ground!" Mal shouted.

"Yes captain tight pants." Wash grumbled.

Jayne tied the animals in their pen, clicked the door closing button, and walked off. As the door was closing, a slim figure slipped on board. The engines fired and off they went, crew, cargo, and stowaway.

As soon as the ship broke atmo, the stowaway began to creep away from her hiding spot and into the main part of the ship. She had been around the beagles so often before that they did not make a sound as she passed. She grinned to herself; if the beagles had barked then Mal would have found her, then he'd probably throw her out the airlock, and all would be lost. She didn't know if they still had the Lassiter, (antique laser pistol from the unaired episode Trash) but she had to try to find it, it was her only chance to retire rich. After escaping from the dumpster, only minutes before alliance authorities got there, she had headed out to find a way steal the Lassiter back from Mal, eventually she found her answer. On the planet Persephone, she found a man named Badger who dealed regularly with Mal. Once she found this out, she got close to him, eventually got engaged, and waited for Serenity. As she entered the sick bay she saw someone holding an ice pack to his head. She pulled her gun out as quietly as she could, hoping to end it quickly for him, unfortunately he heard her and spun around. It was the doctor whom she had only seen on her first time aboard the ship. His hands flew up as he sputtered, "Oh my god it's you!"

"Yeah honey, I'm back." Said Saffron, as she smiled.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4: Death

"Come on, keep on moving!" Saffron said as she jabbed her gun in Simon's back. She had decided to use Simon as a hostage as soon as she had seen that he was unarmed. Besides, she could use him as a bargaining chip for the Lassiter.

"Where are you taking me?" Simon groaned, as they entered the kitchen.

"I need you as a hostage, so if you don't shut the hell up, I'll fricking blow you're head out." She replied coldly.

As they entered the corridor that leads to the cockpit, Saffron thought she heard a noise, and she turned away from Simon for a second. Simon took his chance and kicked her in the shin. She turned, and pistol whipped him in the head. He crumpled unconscious to the ground. "You stupid little son of a bitch." She growled maliciously.

When she entered the bridge, dragging Simon along with her, Wash was the only one there. And he didn't even notice her come in; he had been too busy playing with his toy dinosaurs. She pointed her gun at the backside of Wash's head and said in a calm tone, "Get on the intercom, call everybody up here, and don't say anything else or they'll have to scrap what remains of you're head off the controls with a spatula!"

"How'd you get on the ship?" Wash sputtered.

"Just do it." she growled.

Wash spun around, grabbed the intercom and said, "All crew to the bridge, all crew to the bridge!"

After that, Saffron walked over to the other chair, dragging Simon with her, and sat down to wait. It didn't take long. Mal and Zoe came in first, and asked, "What's the problem Wash?"

"I'm the problem." Saffron said as she pointed her gun at them. "And if you don't do what I want, I'll blow you're doctor friends head off!"

Mal began to say something, but Saffron silenced him with a wave of her gun, and said, "Slide you're weapons over to me." Zoe and Mal sighed, pulled out their guns and slid them over to her.

By then the rest of the crew arrived, with the exception of River and Inara. Saffron repeated her command, but Book and Kaylee didn't have anything. Jayne on the other hand had three handguns on him with various calibers, a hunting knife, three throwing knifes, a pair of iron knuckles, a tazer, a flash grenade and two normal grenades.

"Why exactly are you here?" Mal asked after all the weapons had been handed over. "Did you come back because you missed me?"

"No you stupid, pig headed man. I need the Lassiter, and I need it bad. And until you hand it over, I'm going to shoot one of your crew every five minutes."

"What if we told you we sold it?"

"You obviously haven't, because this ship is still a mess, and you're still taking jobs from two-bit criminals like Badger."

"You have a point there."

"Stop stalling, and fetch me the gun."

"Well you heard the lady, Jayne, go get it."

"Oh no, that gun loving imbecile is not going to get it. When he comes back he'll probably just have another gun to shoot me with. So no, the little engineer will go get it."

"You heard her Kaylee, go get it." Kaylee backed out of the bridge and headed toward the hold.

During this entire debate, Simon had been awake thinking about how to fix this entire predicament without getting killed. He opened his eyes a crack, and saw the captain's gun in front of him. He knew what he had to do.

Kaylee came back holding the Lassiter. "Good, now pass it to me...Bang!" Saffron fell to the floor blood trickling from the shot that had gone through her chin, and out through the top of her head. Simon was sitting upright beside her holding Mal's gun in his hand, with a giant re welt on the top of his head. "I can't believe I just did that!"


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5: Happy Endings

"I really can't believe I did that." Simon mumbled as Mal, Jayne and him, lugged Saffron's body down to the air lock.

"We all kill at least once in this business." Mal replied.

"I say the more the merrier!" Jayne grinned.

Simon looked at him with a horrified look on his face.

"I don't believe that helped the doctor." Mal remarked.

"Oh come on he has to get use to it eventually."

"He's got a point there doctor."

"Uuughh!" Simon shuddered.

They loaded her corpse into the airlock, closed the inner doors, then opened the outer doors and watched Saffron spiral off into space.

"Ahhh, nothing like watchin' a freshly killed stiff float out into space." Jayne sighed.

At that point, Simon turned green, and vomited on the floor. Mal and Jayne both burst out laughing. "You people are sick!" Simon groaned.


End file.
